DEAD AS a DOORNAIL Read online

  “Tibbie told me to breathe when I felt myself getting a little anxious over the wedding. Them women sure do make me anxious.” She took another deep breath.

  “Now, now.” Paula Parker hurried over to Polly and drew her into her arms. “Don’t be going and getting yourself all worked up.” They hugged for an uncomfortable few seconds.

  With a pouty mouth, Polly picked up a bottle of nail polish and looked at the bottom before she set it down and picked up another one. She did the same thing bottle after bottle. All the women in the salon waited to hear what Polly was talking about. It was just how it worked around our small town. Gossip not only bound us together but also tore us apart.

  “Lucy Ellen called me about the food.” Jolee laughed and threw in her two cents worth of gossip.

  “She did what?” Paula Parker’s voice escalated. “The nerve,” she gasped. “I’m paying you too much money if you ask me,” Paula muttered under her breath but loud enough for me to hear.

  “Yeah. She wanted to know what we were serving to the guests so she could plan out if she needed to eat before the wedding in case she didn’t like the food.” Jolee shook her head.

  “Maybe you should slip a mickey in her cocktail at the beginning of the wedding so she’ll be knocked out.” Polly shrugged, half-joking, half-serious.

  “Maybe I should slip her more than a mickey,” Jolee agreed. “She thinks she can go around and say what she wants with no consequences. She called the fire inspector on me one week, then the health inspector the next. Then she did that article in the newspaper giving my food truck a bad review.” Jolee huffed.

  I’d thought she’d gotten over that incident, but apparently not.

  “To this day, the Hunt Club won’t let me park in front of their meetings because of that woman. She’s hurting my livelihood.” Jolee’s foot was shaking up and down. A sure sign she was fired up. “I wish someone would put her in her place.”

  “I for one am very excited you’re catering the wedding.” Polly’s chin lifted in the air, and in a swift motion, she brought it down to her right shoulder. “Right, Mama?”

  “Yes, dear. Anything that comes out of your precious mouth is gold.” Paula Parker smiled with pride.

  “Kenni,” Betty Murphy called over the walkie-talkie that I had in my purse. “Sheriff, are you there?”

  I held up a wet fingernail to Tina to hold on and grabbed my purse to take out the walkie-talkie. I still kept my radio on me in case there was a dire emergency.

  “I’m here, Betty,” I said after I hit the button on the side.

  “I hate to bother you on your day off, but we got a complaint from Lucy Ellen Lowell.” Everyone’s head in the entire salon shot up in the air and looked my way. “She says that she was discriminated against and wants to file a complaint. I told her that Officer Vincent was out on a call and that I’d have him call her back, but she insisted I get in touch with him immediately or she was coming down here and I just don’t want to deal with Lucy Ellen Lowell this afternoon.”

  “Did she tell you that I was at the salon when she came in?” I asked Betty.

  “I knew something was up when I told her it was your day off and she muttered something about how she and Darnell had hosted your election fundraiser. I just let that drop. So what do you want me to do?” Betty asked.

  “You tell her that you talked to me and that I’ll give her a call back.” I clicked off and stuck the walkie-talkie back into my purse.

  “Maybe I should give her a hair treatment and let the scissors slip.” Tina dragged her finger across her neck.

  Chapter Two

  “Duke,” I called from the kitchen when I got home from my so-called spa day at Tiny Tina’s. “Duke.”

  I threw my keys on the kitchen counter and shut the kitchen door. I stood there for a second and let the quiet envelop me until I heard a loud thud, followed by the sound of the pounding of the four large paws of my trusty deputy hound dog.

  All the yammering going on down at Tiny Tina’s wore me out. I didn’t understand how people gossiped day in and day out. All those stories started running together until I’d finally turned it off in my head.

  “Hey, you big lug.” I bent down and was greeted with the best slobbery kisses. “You ready to go outside?”

  He danced toward the kitchen door. I opened it and walked out with him. The fresh air might help clear my head. It was that strange time in between seasons in Kentucky when the weather was hot and humid one day and cold and chilly the next. This afternoon was turning out to be more on the light breezy side that was not quite sweatshirt weather, but not tank top weather either.

  “Hey. I saw your Jeep in the driveway.” Finn Vincent peered over the gate that led into my backyard.

  He let himself in. Before he could say anything else, I pulled him to me with a fistful of his brown deputy sheriff’s shirt and laid a big kiss on him.

  “You must’ve missed me.” His eyes twinkled, sending my heart all aflutter.

  “You must’ve been waiting by your window waiting for me to pull in,” I teased. He lived a couple of houses down from me.

  Though he was from the north and not a real southerner, his handsome charm hadn’t gone unnoticed by every single girl in Cottonwood when he first came to town. Over the past year, he’d really picked up on the fact that in the south, it’s much easier to catch flies with honey instead of vinegar and holding the door open for a woman can go a long way.

  “I’m just so glad that you don’t like all the girly things, because I just don’t know if I could go to Tiny Tina’s on a regular basis for nails, hair, and spa days. They curl way more than hair there.” I rubbed my head. “My head hurts from all the gossip.”

  Duke darted from the far corner of the backyard when he saw his ball-throwing buddy. He was always happy to see Finn.

  I sat down in a chair on my back porch and enjoyed watching Finn throw the ball to Duke a few times until Duke decided he was going to sniff all the grass along the back side of the fence.

  “That bad?” He turned around and looked at me with dipped eyes. “I thought you’d like the gift card.”

  “I’m very appreciative of the gift card, and it came at a great time since we have the wedding next weekend and I did need my nails done, but I’m amazed at how they can just go from one gossip story to another.” Goosebumps prickled my leg as he scooted his chair closer to mine.

  “I get enough of their tales at Euchre. These girls do it day in and day out.” I left out the part of Lucy Ellen’s crazy tirade and how she’d called dispatch since I’d taken care of it. Plus, he’d probably be upset that Betty Murphy had called me on my first day off in months. “How was your day?”

  “Made the usual rounds, and I got a call from Bosco Frederick from the Hunt Club. He said something about having a deputy at their annual gun show in a couple of days at The Moose Lodge.” There was an amused look on his face.

  These were the times that his northern roots stuck out. He didn’t understand that guns and knives strapped on the belts of Cottonwood citizens were accessories that completed the look of the locals. If you weren’t packing, then we knew you were an out-of-towner.

  “The annual gun show.” I let out a deep sigh and extended my legs out in front of me. “Polly mentioned that today. I can’t believe we’re only a couple weeks off from the opening of hunting season.” I crossed my forearms across my belly and let the cool breeze float around me. “The Hunt Club wives host this annual show. The men all take the next couple of weeks off to clean and fix up their hunting cabins and deer stands so when the season opens, they’re ready to go.”

  “Annual? How many more guns can people in this town own?” he joked.

  “You can never have enough.” I winked. “Lucy Ellen and all the women in the Hunt Club are sitting together at the wedding since their husbands are occupied.”
r />   “I just don’t get all that hunting business. Poor animals.” Finn had such a tender heart when it came to animals. He’d even taken in Cosmo, an orange tabby cat that belonged to one of the criminals we’d put behind bars.

  “It’s just a way of life around here. Plus Lucy’s husband is the only person who does taxidermy here in Cottonwood, so she’s got to promote her lifestyle.” She could’ve done it a little less conspicuously, but she was harmless and had given Tina and the girls a lot to talk about and entertain me while I’d endured the Kentucky River limestones under my feet.

  Duke darted along the fence line up to the gate on the side of the house and followed up with a little bit of barking, then the wagging tail, telling me whoever was walking up the sidewalk on the side of my house was someone he knew.

  “There’s my grand-doggie.” Mama’s voice carried into the backyard and made Duke’s tail wag faster.

  I stood up and walked over, grabbing Duke by the collar.

  “Hey, Mama.” I stood up. My eyes slid over Mama’s shoulder.

  She wasn’t alone. Polly and Paula Parker were with her. Polly had a hanger in her hand and the white dress bag flowed down with the bottom edges ending in her mama’s hand.

  “Kenni, can you please chain up that mutt?” Polly’s perfect pink-lined lips snarled. “I can’t have him ruining this dress.” She didn’t take her eyes off Duke. He was dancing around in anticipation of the ladies coming in the yard.

  I let go of his collar and snapped my fingers for him to lay down. He was a trained dog. Not that he was an official police dog, but I’d had him since he was given to me from my poppa, which was a whole ’nother story all together.

  “Polly, he won’t hurt you. He’s a sweetie.” Mama did love Duke.

  When I looked at Mama, I saw exactly what I was going to look like later in life. She had shoulder-length brown hair like me. We had the same olive skin tone and if it weren’t for a few wrinkles, she’d look my age. Both of us stood five feet, five inches and pretty much had the same body type, though her hips were a little bigger than mine. Only because she’d birthed me, her only child. Trust me when I say that I completely get the only child syndrome.

  “Hi, Finn,” Polly greeted him, as did Mrs. Parker.

  “It’s so good to see you in regular clothes.” Mama smiled so big, bringing her shoulders up to her ears as she reached out and grabbed my hand to get a gander at the manicure. “I heard you used your gift card from Finn.” Mama couldn’t stop the big smile when she looked at him.

  It wasn’t a big secret that Mama had plans for my life other than being the sheriff. She’d planned on the biggest election of my life being voted Debutante of Cottonwood instead of being voted Sheriff.

  “You are going to be such a beautiful maid of honor.” She let out the biggest happiest sigh that I’d not heard since I let her take me prom-dress shopping back in high school.

  “Maid of honor?” My oh-shit meter went off real fast. I started to shake my head as fast as Duke’s tail had wagged when I could see what was happening. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I thought I heard you say maid of honor.”

  “Oh, Kendrick Lowry.” Polly Parker’s chin-length perfectly blonde (though it came from one of Tiny Tina’s bottles) hair didn’t move as she bounced past Mama. She dragged that dress bag over to me. “I couldn’t think of anyone else in my time of need. After all, your job description on the Cottonwood Sheriff’s Department website says that the sheriff helps anyone who needs it.”

  Polly jerked around and handed the hanger off to Mama as she started to unzip the big dress bag.

  “My time of need is right now and it’s for a beer,” I said to Finn and looked back at him. His hand was over his mouth and his eyes were big.

  He threw his hands up in the air and stood up.

  “I think it’s time for me to go.” His lips tremored as he tried to not smile. “I’ll go grab us some supper from Kim’s Buffet and give you a little girl time.”

  “Girl time!” Mama squealed.

  “No!” I gasped and grabbed his hand. “You can’t leave me. What kind of boyfriend are you?”

  “One that wants to stay your boyfriend. You’re gonna need some food.” He bent down and kissed my cheek.

  “Ta-da!” Polly screamed and pulled the hanger in the air, letting the bag fall on the ground.

  “I’m out.” Finn pointed his finger toward the gate and walked away, leaving me there with my mouth gaped open.

  “I knew you were going to love it.” Polly looked between me and the dress, her big horse teeth sparkling. Her head bobbled in delight as she looked at the hunter-green dress that looked like it’d come right off the curtain rods of an old plantation home.

  Dr. Bev Houston, the local dentist, should’ve been arrested for giving Polly Parker those big veneers in that tiny mouth of hers.

  “And we can’t forget your bonnet.” As if they’d rehearsed it, Paula produced a matching green bonnet. If they thought that was going on top of my head, they had another thing coming to them.

  “My bonnet?” I took a few steps backward and wagged my finger in front of me.

  “Of course, we’d have to get you back down to Tiny Tina’s to change out the polish you picked because we are doing Perfectly Posh.” Polly gave me instructions like I had no decision in this matter.

  “I got Natural Nail.” I wiggled my fingers as if this was the worst issue going on here. I was already plum tuckered out and they’d only been here a few minutes. My hands were shaking. I was in a pickle and it wasn’t good. Polly Parker and I weren’t even friends. “Tina said Natural Nail goes with everything.”

  “You’re right.” Polly’s eyes squinted as she looked lovingly at my mother as if I were a toddler holding on to my mama’s leg. “She doesn’t know wedding etiquette at all.”

  They looked between each other knowingly.

  “I didn’t see any sort of dress code on your wedding invitation.” I brought my hand up to my head and rubbed my temples and forehead.

  Jolee and I had a good laugh when the invitations to Polly’s wedding came and it looked exactly like something from Gone with the Wind. In fact, all the food Polly had contracted Jolee to cater was deep Southern dishes. But I didn’t recall a dress code.

  “What is wrong with you?” Mama asked. “I think them stones Tina put in your foot bath have done something to your head.”

  Mama was so embarrassed by my behavior she turned all of the shades of red on one of those color wheels hanging up in the art room in Cottonwood Elementary School.

  “Maid of honor.” Polly shook the hanger.

  “You’re going to be a maid of honor now that my sorority sister from college can’t make it.” She turned to her mama. “Can you believe that she’s not coming because she just had a baby? The nerve of saying yes and then backing out.”

  It was just like Polly Parker to find fault with a new precious baby. I’d bet my bottom dollar that friend had gotten a gander at this dress and bailed, leaving me in the lurch. Too bad I didn’t have a good excuse like a baby.

  “I’m...um...I’m...” I couldn’t take my eyes off the ugly dress. “I’m not even good friends with you. And I didn’t do the website. Betty Murphy did.”

  I clearly wasn’t sure what she wrote on the website. But I would definitely be making some changes.

  I snapped my fingers. “What about Toots Buford? She’s your best friend and I don’t think she’s in your wedding party.”

  “Toots Buford works at Dixon’s Foodtown and doesn’t have enough money to rub two dimes together, much less buy this three-hundred-dollar dress.” She brushed the dress side to side, letting the crinoline crunch to a dramatic halt. “Your mama has not only paid me for your dress, she’s even hosting the bridal-party luncheon on Friday that as maid of honor you’re supposed to give.”

  “Well
, that ain’t gonna happen.” The words fell out of mouth. “I’ve got to work.”

  “Kendrick Lowry!” Mama cried out and buried her head in her hands. “You sure do know how to embarrass your mama and your family in someone else’s time of need.” She took her face out of her hands and looked at Polly and Paula. “I raised her better than this. It’s living here on Free Row that’s done it to her.”

  Mama’s head nodded as she referred to my neighborhood. Free Row was technically Broadway Street, but most of my neighbors were on commodity cheese, food stamps, and any other free things they could get from the government. Not that it was an issue, but they also had broken-down furniture on their front porches and beat-up cars hoisted up on cinder blocks. Not Mama’s ideal living arrangements for her one and only child.

  Still, it was my poppa’s home and he left it to me in his will. I loved it as a young child and I love it as my home now. Especially now that Finn was just a couple of doors down.

  “I’m not using bad manners. I’m just saying that years from now you want to look back at your photos with fond memories of each person in your wedding.” I thought my reasoning sounded good and I was proud of how I’d just plucked that logic right out of my you-know-what. “Not the memory that I accused you of killing someone a year ago.”

  It was true. Polly Parker was a suspect in a local murder and I was relentless in proving it. Luckily, I was wrong. I should’ve known better because Polly Parker would never put her manicure in danger with manual labor like murder.

  I watched in horror as Polly’s chest started to pop up and down, followed by a turned-down mouth, watering eyes, and a full-out crying hissy fit. And it wasn’t pretty. She was not a pretty crier.

  “Look what you’ve done,” Paula spouted to me through her gritted teeth. “Just you wait until the election. I don’t care if you’re unopposed. I’ll write someone in instead of voting for you.”