A Ghostly Mortality: A Ghostly Southern Mystery (Ghostly Southern Mysteries) Read online

  “Granny,” Charlotte cackled. “You raised us in a funeral home.”

  It was true. Charlotte and I were raised in the family living area of the funeral home right alongside Granny. Granny, Momma and Daddy ran the funeral home while Charlotte and I tried to lead a normal life; only, sleeping in a bed in the next room over from a dead body was far from normal. But we managed. Charlotte and I went to mortuary school, my parents retired and Granny retired after she inherited the Sleepy Hollow Inn from her deceased second husband, leaving the funeral home to us.

  “Oh, Granny, you raised me fine. Times have changed and so does business.” Charlotte pish-poshed Granny’s comment. She continued to show us around the large building, going on and on about how they had had retirement parties, birthdays and christenings.

  “Christenings?” Granny snickered. “You mean to tell me I could go over here to see my dead relative and walk over yonder to see my great-grandbaby get christened all in one day?”

  Charlotte ignored Granny and continued on with the grand tour.

  “I really would like you to sign these papers.” I held the envelope out in front of Charlotte when we walked down the hall to get a look at one of the viewing rooms.

  Charlotte skipped around me, not giving any acknowledgment to the papers I practically shoved in her face.

  “Shh.” Granny batted my hand away and followed right behind Charlotte.

  I sucked in a deep breath and tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear, ran my hand down my white T-shirt before I gave in, once again, and followed them to the next room.

  The next room looked more like a banquet hall than a viewing room. Large round tables dotting the entire room had crisp baby-blue tablecloths over them and had at least ten chairs around each of them. White taffeta material was stretched and tied around the backs of each chair with a big, stiff bow on the back.

  “There you are!” A woman jumped out from behind a large stereo speaker from across the room. And then, lickety-split, she was snapping her fingers and pointing at Charlotte Rae. “My Candy doesn’t deserve a fine wedding reception where the flowers smell like those of a funeral!” She put her hands on her hips and turned to me. Her dirty blond hair was clipped short and her black roots were creeping out from her skull. “Can you smell that?” she asked me in a demanding tone. “Death. That is what I smell. And I told my Candy I wasn’t going to have a dead body next to my princess as she cut that cake I paid an arm and a leg for. Do you hear me?” She rambled on, not giving Charlotte a chance to even speak.

  “I understand.” Charlotte Rae tried to calm the woman down.

  “No, you don’t, or this would not be happening.” The woman gave Charlotte a stern look. “This is an outrage and you had better fix it or another one of them rooms will be filled out there!”

  “I will take care of it, Melinda.” A crimson color crept up the back of Charlotte’s neck. In true Charlotte Rae southern charm, she gave Melinda a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes, and said, “I promise, your Candy will have the wedding of her dreams. Which we still have a few weeks for. This is just an example of what the room can look like. The chairs. The linens.”

  “Her dreams?” Melinda let out a big fit of laughter with a cough. “Hell, she ruined her dreams when she laid down with the Dennis boy. But it ain’t no skin off my nose, because I told her I wasn’t goin’ to raise no more youngin’s. Not even my grandbabies.”

  Granny’s eyes darted between Charlotte and Melinda. A delightful grin spread over her face. Charlotte had her hands full and Melinda was giving her a run for her money.

  “Momma! You stop talking about us.” The shrill voice echoed through the room. A woman who must’ve been Princess Candy stood in the doorway with a scrawny-looking boy. Candy’s black hair was permed to death. She grabbed the boy’s hand and bustled over to us, practically dragging him like a rag doll. “She ain’t never been happy for me. She’s the one who insisted on all this!”

  “I also insisted you get that hair dyed back to blond, but you didn’t listen to that either.” Melinda jerked her head side to side.

  “You know my baby doctor said that ain’t no good for the baby. All them fumes and all.” Candy dropped the boy’s hand and stuck her nose up in the air. She took a few quick sniffs. The boy must have been the Dennis boy. Poor guy. I felt sorry for him. He didn’t look older than eighteen years old. He was shorter than the princess and he was in desperate need of a haircut, his curls unfurled all over the top of his head.

  “You smell that?” Princess Candy smacked the Dennis boy with the backside of her hand before she planted her hands on her hips, causing her baggy shirt to become taut, exposing the outline of what looked to be a pregnant belly. “Death!”

  A groan escaped from Charlotte’s lips.

  “I told you that this place smelled like dead people. Are you trying to piss me off?” Candy came nose to nose with Melinda.

  Melinda’s arms flew up in the air. “See, I told you!” She pointed to Charlotte and then faced the Dennis boy. “Boy, she’s gonna rip your heart right out of you, fry it up and eat it on a biscuit and swallow it down with a big swig of iced tea if you don’t run.”

  “Fix this!” Candy grabbed the boy’s hand and flung him toward the door, dragging him all the way out. “Or someone will take the fall for this!”

  “Fix what?” Gina Marie Hardgrove, owner of Hardgrove’s Funeral Homes, walked into the event room carrying a tray of glasses filled with sweet tea and finger sandwiches, dodging the lovebirds. “Oh my!” Gina placed the tray on the table before she gave Granny a hug. “Zula, it’s been so long.” She held Granny out at arm’s length, getting a good look at her. I couldn’t stop looking at that big, baseball-sized diamond on her finger. “You haven’t changed a bit. And this one.” Gina let go of Granny and patted Charlotte on the back. “She is such an asset to Hardgrove’s. I really am sorry we stole her from you.” She gave me a wink.

  In the south, a wink speaks volumes and Gina Marie’s wink was more of a dig than a compliment. Memories of Gina Marie flooded over me.

  As kids, we’d see the Hardgrove family at different funeral conventions and all us kids would hang out together. Then there had been mortuary school. Gina Marie was there with me and Charlotte. That damn ring of hers was why I got a C minus in the class. I spent most of my days dreaming of having one. The Hardgroves had several funeral homes across the state of Kentucky to our one.

  “Now I can go and visit our other centers, knowing I’m leaving here with our Lexington center in good hands.” Gina Marie nodded over to Charlotte who had gingerly taken Melinda aside and talked to her in the corner of the room.

  “I guess we better go.” Granny tugged on my arm.

  “When you get a moment, can you please have Charlotte sign the papers?” I handed them to Gina Marie.

  “She still hasn’t signed these?” Her face turned white and a scowl swept over her nose. “She did sign a non-compete with us, so I’m going to have to take this up with her.”

  Charlotte left Melinda in the corner and joined us, jerking the envelope from Gina Marie’s hand. “It has nothing to do with a non-compete,” she assured Gina Marie before turning toward me and Granny and gesturing for us to get the heck out of there.

  A small stab hit my heart as Charlotte Rae quickly recovered from the embarrassing scene with a warm smile. Something I was never able to compete with.

  “It was so good of you to come by. Emma Lee, I’ll get these back to you soon.” She waved the envelope in the air with one hand and shooed us out the sliding front door with the other. “I must get back to work. Unlike Eternal Slumber, we are always busy with a life event. Yoo-hoo, Arley!” Charlotte raced over to one of the gardens in the front of the funeral home. “You need to put the ducklings in the fountain!”

  There was no reason to fuss with her because she wasn’t going to listen and Granny had already started off toward the car. I recognized Arley Burgin, Hardgrove’s grave digger and evide
ntly lawn boy, standing in the fountain with bright yellow gloves clear up to his elbow and a scrub brush in one of his hands. I didn’t know Arley all that well, but he was on the men’s softball team that was sponsored by Eternal Slumber. He had mentioned he wasn’t a fan of Gina Marie which tickled me pink, and by the look on his face, he wasn’t a big fan of Charlotte’s either.

  “Y’all a new client here at Hardgrove’s?” The security guard gave me and Granny the once-over after he moseyed up to us.

  “No.” I pointed to our car, a hearse, which should’ve been a pretty good indicator to him that we were in the same business. “I’m Charlotte’s sister and this here is our granny. We are from Sleepy Hollow.”

  “Burns?” he questioned.

  “Why, I never,” Granny gasped and glared. “Do we look like we come from them good-for-nothin’ . . .”

  “Eternal Slumber,” I chirped up and cut Granny off. “Have a nice day. Get into the car, Granny.” My brows lifted.

  “I knew I should’ve drove the ‘ped.” Granny referred to the moped she drove around town. She huffed, got in the car and slammed the door.

  I looked at the security guard and rolled my eyes so hard that I thought I hurt myself.

  “Oh my stars.” Granny buckled up. “That was a sight for sore eyes.”

  I started the engine and pretended to adjust the rearview mirror when I was really looking back at Charlotte. It was good southern manners to stand outside and wave bye as someone pulled off in their car, but bad luck to watch them completely drive off. When we were almost out of sight, Charlotte stomped her feet and hurried back into Hardgrove’s.

  “I’m a little disappointed in how she reacted to that nasty woman.” Granny sat poised with her hands in her lap. “She should’ve told her that there were a few funerals being held and the flowers would be removed way before the wedding.” Granny lifted her hand and nervously tapped her finger on the door handle. “Who on earth ever heard of opening a place like that?”

  “Really?” I gripped the wheel, turning on the road that took us right back home to Sleepy Hollow where we belonged. “The fact that she hasn’t signed the paperwork should be what you can’t believe. I mean, she’s working illegally for Gina Marie.”

  “Pish-posh.” Granny brushed me off. “She’s not happy there. I can see it in her eyes. It’s just a matter of time before she comes back to Eternal Slumber. Mark my words, that is why she hasn’t signed those papers.”

  And that was my fear.

  Chapter 1

  In no time and with a little bit of a lead foot, I had the hearse parked in the back of Eternal Slumber. It was still strange not seeing Charlotte’s car parked in the space right up against the back door, because Lord forbid she walk any farther than she needed to. Charlotte had always claimed that since she was the one who “sold” our packages that she needed to be presentable, which meant the less she did to mess herself up, the better.

  While Charlotte was here, I was in charge of making sure the arrangements for the family were carried out as they had planned, the burial service was ready and all the details were taken care of, like the repass, flowers, memory cards and any other details.

  “I better get out of here.” Granny opened the door and grabbed her black leather touring helmet off the seat next to her and strapped it under her chin. “I left Hettie in charge and God only knows what concoction she made at the juice bar. Plus, I still have to make my pies for dinner tonight.”

  Hettie Bell owned Pose and Relax, the yoga studio next to Eternal Slumber. She also helped Granny on a part-time basis at the Sleepy Hollow Inn when Granny needed someone. Hettie was a health nut and would make up all sorts of lime-green, slimy drinks to serve to the customers when Granny was gone. Hettie said that the tourists who visited our town for our famous caves needed to be in tip-top shape for them to hike and spelunk. Granny always lifted a brow when Hettie went on with her herbal mumbo jumbo. I simply smiled.

  “Don’t you be worrying about nothing.” Granny slipped the aviator goggles over her eyes, instantly magnifying them three times their normal size. “It’ll all work out the way it’s supposed to.”

  “That’s an upbeat attitude, Granny.” I smiled and got out of the hearse, slamming the door behind me.

  “Mm, hmm.” Granny groaned. She bent down and unlocked the padlock she used to lock the chain around the tree and her moped. Granny was worried about someone stealing her ride. She carried a heavy-duty chain to secure her moped to anything that was bolted down. You couldn’t get anything more bolted into the ground than a tree. Granny threw her leg over her moped.

  “Between me and you”—Granny flipped the switch and twisted the moped handle to full throttle—“she’s lost her ever-loving mind working for them Hardgroves. Mark my words, she’s gonna regret it. Do you need any help with Jade?” Granny nodded toward the line of television network vans that had parked along the curve of the town square.

  Granny referred to Jade Lee Peel, my current client at Eternal Slumber. Her funeral was late this afternoon. Jade was sort of a celebrity from Sleepy Hollow. She’d been in town for a class reunion and had used the opportunity to launch her new reality TV show about her. She’d left Sleepy Hollow after high school to pursue her modeling and acting career. I’m not going to lie—I might stretch the truth a tad, but I didn’t lie—Jade and I weren’t the best of friends and she wasn’t the nicest of classmates. In fact, she was the one who had given me the name Creepy Funeral Home Girl. Needless to say she crossed one too many people and found herself on the other side of the ground. Six feet under. It just so happened that Eternal Slumber was hosting her funeral, and the tabloid television shows were all over it.

  “I’m good. I’ve got it all covered.” I grinned through my big lie. When I’d left this morning, Mary Anna Hardy, Eternal Slumber beautician and owner of Girl’s Best Friend Spa, had yet to get Jade’s makeup on.

  In one motion, Granny pulled her wrist back, planted her feet on the footrest and whizzed out of the parking lot. The only thing I could do was shake my head. There was no way I was ever going to get over seeing my seventy-seven-year-old granny driving a moped for transportation when she’d had a perfectly nice car before she decided to trade it in for the hunk of junk.

  “I thought I heard you pull in.” Vernon Baxter stood on the small porch at the back entrance of the funeral home. He was a stately-looking older man with white hair sprinkled with dark. He was a very handsome man. He was not only the county coroner, but he did all the stuff I didn’t like to do. The embalming.

  It took a special person to cut open a dead body, take out all of their organs and drain their fluids. Of course I was trained in embalming, but if I could pay someone else to do it, it was better for me.

  “The phone has been ringing off the hook and I took several messages from the families we have lined up.” He held out a bunch of square Post-it notes. “Artie Peel wants to know what time they need to be here for the final viewing.”

  Before the funeral, I always scheduled a time where the deceased’s loved ones had time to give their final goodbyes. Artie was a beloved member of the community and owner of Artie’s Meat and Deli. It was a shame what had happened to Jade. She was his only daughter. Plus his wife had died when Jade was young.

  “What is it about winter to spring?” I asked and walked up the steps, taking the notes from him. He opened the door and held it for me.

  “I guess death is just like the seasons. Winter kills things and spring brings life.” He followed me into the back of the funeral home where the employee kitchen was located.

  “Whoa!” I jumped to the side when I felt something brush up against my leg and race into the funeral home. “What was that?” I asked and looked inside.

  “What?” Vernon asked with a whistle of surprise. He looked around to see what I was all jumpy about.

  “I’m not going in there until you see what that was.” Sleepy Hollow was set in the foothills of Kentucky and the caves
were a backdrop to our town. Many critters lived in these parts and you just never knew what was going to show up. “Some sort of vermin ran in the back door. It could’ve been a po-cat or a possum because I felt its tail rub my leg.”

  “I didn’t see anything. And I certainly don’t smell anything.” Vernon lifted his nose in the air. Both of those critters did have distinct smells.

  He looked around while I stood outside.

  “Nothing.” He poked his head back out the door. “The kitchen door is even closed off to the rest of the building, so maybe it was the wind.”

  “Maybe.” I looked behind me at the tree line behind the funeral home. Not a single leaf was blowing. There was no wind. I bent down and rubbed my calf thinking it might’ve been a leg spasm, so I put the incident behind me and walked in the funeral home.

  When I was growing up, the entire back of the funeral home was our family home. Charlotte and I shared a bedroom, Granny had her own and so did my parents. There was a family room where we watched television and a kitchen, along with a couple of bathrooms. After Charlotte and I took over, we knew it was time to remodel and update. Since Charlotte had her own apartment, I decided to stay. We transformed the living quarters into another viewing room, but kept part of the kitchen for the employees. We kept our bedroom and turned Granny’s room into a little kitchenette and TV room for me. Since it was only me, I didn’t need a lot of space. There was a separate entrance also in the back for my small apartment. It was plenty big for me.

  “Thank you for taking the calls. And making some coffee.” I walked over to the freshly brewed pot of coffee and poured some in a mug. “It’s exactly what I need to calm my nerves after fussing with Charlotte.”

  “How was she?” Vernon asked.

  It had come as a big shock to everyone when she left us and moved out of Sleepy Hollow. It was almost a scandal when she left. The town gossips were all abuzz with speculation as to why she left for another funeral home. But we just kept our heads high and said it was a better opportunity for her.